Most people think that employment procedures are tedious and routine processes. As for me, I’m waiting with bated breath for new resumes to observe. And some of them possess a solid portion of LOL!
Remember: resume is not an essay about your own life, not a social network page. This is a business document primarily. That’s why sharply protruding desire to “stand out from all the rest” can be demonstrated in the same social network, on the blog page or in the paper diary, but not in the CV.
Here are the most hilarious phrases collected by me and my colleagues during our resume writing experience:
1) “Employee anywhere.” There is no such thing as a universal job. Maximum, you can combine journalist, freelancer, and chief editor in one resume, but there is no way to apply for the position of financial analyst and gynecologist at the same time.
2) “7-months Ass Cook contract was completed in full. Ready for everything.” Ready for what? The position’s name arouses particular associations so far. 🙂 Anyway, never mention you are ready for any job or task as far as you might get in trouble. Our writers will help to define which tasks you’ll be able to carry out.
3) “Master of artificial stone who is willing to work like a horse for a well-paid job.” Try to implement idioms in everyday life. Despite they sound smart, they’re not suitable for resume form. After all, you may be misunderstood.
4) “Personal qualities: standard. Do not drink too much.” It’s better to avoid recalling any of your bad habits. Just keep it quiet and do not demonstrate them unless the local personnel won’t be doing the same.
5) “Able to turn s*** into a candy.” God! Are there still people who are not acquainted with such term as censorship?! XD
6) “Desired position: not a customer consultant.” What for should you mention an unpleasant position at all?
7) “The ability to think logically and in general.” Well, even monkeys can think in general.
8) “Bad habits: don’t smoke, don’t drink, not married.” I’ve always suspected marriage is considered a bad habit! J Seriously, better to avoid any private information like marital status, children and habits unless your employer won’t ask for these details. On the whole, such information might be typical for jobs like serving/domestic personnel or teacher, but what for should, for instance, a web designer tell it?
9) “Quick lerner, good at mats amd speling.” I’m not sure at least about spelling. We’ll correct all of the mistakes like that.
10) “I am a bomb expert.” (a fellow from Emirates applying for an engineering position inside the States). Just like in that song “Careful What You Wish For”: careful what you say! Whatever you include in your resume, try to avoid any cultural and political issues. Our writers can paraphrase it without losing the basic point.
11) Skills: “I can type without looking at the keyboard.” That’s great, but most of the employers don’t need that at all. They are looking for the quality, not for the speed.
12) Experience: “I’m a hard worker, etc.” Rather substantial, I would say. Every second includes this phrase. Our team won’t make you look banal by enriching your resume with far more essential and descriptive adjectives.
13) References: “John, Tim, Ben. But I don’t know their contact numbers.” …That’s why our favorite “References are available upon the request” phrase actually exists
14) “Let’s meet for an interview, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.” I believe we can state the reasons for job interview in a more attractive way using a cover letter format.
15) “Reasons for leaving previous job: maturity leave.” The age is not obligatory to remind unless you qualify for the risky work.
16) Goal: “What I’m looking for in a job: #1) Money #2) Money #3) Money.” We understand we all need money for living and being a bit material is the norm. But better become not too greedy! We’ll prove you aim not only to improve your own wealth.
17) Objective: “My dream job is a professional soccer player, but since my health is poor, I’ll give it a try as an accountant.” Don’t make your potential employer feel secondary in your life by turning the job you apply for into the ‘emergency exit’.
18) Awards: “Worldwide championship for eating 50 eggs in few minutes.” We don’t know any position where this award would be taken as a serious and valuable one. Do you?
19) Experience: “My father is a computer programmer, so I have 15 years of computer experience.” Unless you did something with your own hands or brains, never even remind it. It seems “dumb and dumber” style.
20) References: “Don’t call my immediate supervisor. My colleagues will give me much better recommendations.” Sure… But your potential employer is not looking for a party animal.
21) Desired location: “My family is willing to change the place of living. We’re too tired of New England (it’s very cold there) and of Southern California where the earthquakes are regular. Preferably, Indianapolis, Chicago, or Orlando because of the Disney World neighborhood.” Our professionals often ask for the desired place of work, but it doesn’t mean you have to go that deep into the details.
22) Reason for leaving: “Thrown away after whispering, ‘God bless me by being fired.” Leave the advices concerning this graph to us. In the most complicated cases, it’s better to ignore the reason or provide some better ones. I.e., “I moved to a different place of living,” “The company was overtaken, so its specialization was changed,” “I decided to try another area of my experience (name it), etc.”
23) “RN outtake: Spring, 2011. Voluntary work for taking care of the elderly and vegetable people.” It might be so, but don’t show your disrespect to any people in your life. Our employees will formulate your experience duties in the most correct and adorable way.
24) “Service for old men just to make sure if they are still alive or dead.” Have you heard about such an interesting position? We haven’t.
25) Achievements: “High School prom queen.” We believe that the only achievements which employers are keen on come in the post-school period mostly.
26) “Contact me at pornstardelight@*****.com” o__O A lot would like to. But with a bit different goal.
27) “I don’t admit time because I dislike it. Having to arrive at a certain hour doesn’t make sense to me. The only thing which really matters is the job done. Any boss that insists upon rigid time scheduling will find me a real nightmare.” It all can be said in a more democratic and loyal way: “Looking for flexible working schedule.”
28) “Sex: occasionally.” That’s why we prefer to call it “gender”.
29) “I am currently experiencing a trial for embezzlement so that I am limited.” Don’t mention your problems with the law. If they’re too much serious, better not to apply for a certain position at least unless they will be solved.
30) “Bachelorette in business administration.” Watch out! Don’t rely on programs like Grammarly too heavy. Use your own brain. We check the grammar mistakes carefully.
31) “Referees available upon request.” Looks like someone doesn’t require a job at all: he owns some referees as the slaves already.
32) “Prepared coffee for the rest every day.” If one of your strengths sounds so, most probably the weaknesses would be hated to explore.
33) “Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.” Wow! Such a rare and outstanding feature!
34) “Interests: Arts, dancing computers.” Our professional writers can handle your punctuation errors efficiently to avoid computers dancing.
35) “I am interested in applying what I learnt in college.” Many people are actually curious if those skills really work. However, we’re confident that we can mention the skills more precisely to help you with your resume.
36) “I often use PC, so I’m a professional.” Sounds like more than half of the Earth can apply for IT developers.