HR MANAGER’S ROLE IN YOUR CAREER

Dictionary of HR lies: what’s on their mind?

Situation 1. In the case an individual really lacks some experience, HR won’t be straightforward preferring to beat around the bush instead. And vice versa: when there are several candidates suitable for the position, HR staff simply blows your chance by convincing you failed the test. So, our advice is not to give up. Most probably, your resume and cover letter must be strengthened. 😉

Situation 2. By offering to join company’s friendly and cohesive team, HRs usually try to catch your attention by hook or by crook. Most often, the team is not that close. Moreover, soon you will find that guy in red flying off the handle when you accidentally drink his juice instead of your lemonade. Gina from R&D will get on her high horse after you’ll ask for her technical advice at least once. What to speak about Tim, who is always complaining about his sexual frustration in public. The only person who will be able to get a grip on himself in any situation is, of course, our favorite HR. Sometimes it feels like “Batman’s” Joker was HR’s basic prototype.  Common, HR guys, put your smiling mask off!

Situation 3. HR was the one to vote for your retrenchment, but tries to calm you down saying something like ‘I did everything to protect you, but they made me lay you off.’ When you’ll finally get fired, only then he will eat his words. So, it’s even more important to get along with your HR staff than with your boss, isn’t it?

Situation 4. By calling you nasty little one and accusing you of harassment after you deny any of his trials, HR shows his true nature. Watch out for HRs of the opposite gender! It might sound ridiculous, but a lot depends from your very first step in an organization (your resume along with your cover letter are meant).

Situation 5. An HR pretending he/she is really curious about your family, hobbies, past summer voyage is also definitely lying! Better to skip these graphs in your resume than to make him sick of your ideal wife/husband and lovely kids. Keep in mind that your HR can be a single one and thus quiet a jealous person. Your successful personal life can easily distract him/her.

Situation 6. ‘Be yourself. Call a spade a spade.’ You might hear these phrases from most of the HR staff. Be aware! That is the top lie of this position. In reality, they mean something like: ‘Oh, God! Leave all your silly habits aside and give me what I want. Not what you can suggest.’

Situation 7. ‘Calm down and take it easy. Noone’s watching after you. We don’t have any camera hidden under your desk or below your chair. Our company respects private life.’ Bla-blah-blah, I should say. Never sleep: by fact, HR informs you indirectly that you have to be paranoid. HRs are the first people within the organization to watch carefully after each of your steps, keep records of every phone call, every discipline, every text, every tweet and instant message. At most companies, they save that data forever.

Situation 8. ‘We do not hire anyone with children because the company had too many people leaving for some family holidays and sport events.” Well, it must seem suspicious that your family bothers them so much.

Situation 9. ‘Right, you may work more to increase the overall company’s wealth. Of course, you’ll get paid more.’ All of the HRs are testing you in that way. They are not looking for speed, they all require quality. So, they won’t pay you more for the bigger amount of job done at least at the first stages. But they will promise it.

Situation 10. They always tell you they still don’t know anything about you and asks for more. Don’t be too naïve: HRs know about you more than you do. They’re number one “gossip girls” of the company.  Make sure your resume tells enough and nothing at the same time.

Situation 11. I would like to share one of my top secrets of successful job interviews I always obey. ‘What salary are you looking for?’ We often hear this question. Moreover, if we doubt or prefer to keep silent about this delicate issue, many HRs start to insist on the concrete number. It’s better to avoid such questions, but still, if there is no way out; it won’t be too polite to ignore it. Keep it beside the point, but in a smart way: replace the $ amount by claiming you’re flexible. However, it depends on the responsibilities of the position and upon work conditions. From the other side, don’t let HRs trick you with your salary.

Situation 12. Just as one HR manager personally admitted: “I’d rather tell you that we’re terminating you ‘cause you didn’t cope with some tasks instead of being frank enough to inform you’re a pain in the butt and you bite off more than one can chew. So, HRs never fire you without ANY reasons. Better to analyze the situation and find your weaknesses not to repeat the same mistakes again and again.

Situation 13. You’re running another job just to improve your financial situation a bit. HR might say: “That’s OK, I understand we all may be having some heavy times. We’re all human beings, finally.” By telling you’re involved in another job, you have a bone to pick from the HR’s point of view.

Situation 14. “We value diversity and inclusion!” God, they hope you won’t show up too much and attract boss attention.  It gets shoved down HR’s throat, legally, organizationally, etc. Many HRs care only about filling empty places. Certainly, they’re selecting professionals, but those who are ready for routine tasks and won’t outshine other employees. HRs hate mean people – that’s the truth.  To sum up, HR guys care about the number of faces and state expansion as far as each new employee is their personal merit.

Situation 15. “Only Top-5 (10, 15 whatever) workers get rewarded!” In the real world, all of the employees get rewarded. The compensation plan is created in a way not to exclude anyone from the general scheme. Otherwise, it might be ruined. Most probably, a worker performing more than the average will increase his overall payment by 3% maximum.

Situation 16. “We treat everyone equally!” That’s the top lie, in my opinion. Human beings are subjective creatures by their nature. We simply cannot treat the guy who lend us $50 last week and still doesn’t claim them back the same way we feel about the old nagging lady with an awful slobbery bulldog upstairs.

Situation 17. “If you don’t know anything about our company, that’s fine. We’ll tell you.” False, false, false! A knowledge of company’s profile, history, direction, latest financial results and products/services equals to a foot in the door. You get along quickly with most of the personnel by knowing at least primary facts. If you don’t, you’d better stay at home unless you learn more.

After all, HRs seem so sweet by not giving candidates a piece of their mind. In fact, they should. It all looks like a senseless tricky game where you have to know the rules better than HR managers to survive.

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